Day Twenty Eight - Mood Swings, Beer Cans and Cadburys Creme Eggs

My mood has plummeted considerably these last few days. I'm irritable, impatient, tearful and apathetic. My hope that I would cope and deal with this at a balanced level has not been sustained. Maybe it's 'normal' and many people are feeling this way. I worry though that my low self esteem and poor self belief are contributory. It feels like I will fail at this just as I have failed at most things in my life. And right now becoming a recluse seems like the best career option.

The weather has changed too. Dull and windy. I battled the wind today on the cliffs. But I somehow like the wildness! There were even fewer people. All behaving appropriately apart from two dog owners whose dogs were off the lead and both were on the point of making a bee line for me, the dogs I mean, not the owners, so I had had to change course and direction drastically. With my current mood I dared not risk any kind of confrontation with anyone!!

On my walk today, and on previous days if I'm honest, I've noticed many empty beer cans and bottles. Just left by seats where the consumers consumed the contents. It's not unusual sadly. But it occurred to me that in this current climate it's hardly essential. There are those who might argue that drinking alcohol is essential. Okay. But drink at home. However leaving the empties for some other poor sod to clear up is never essential whatever the circumstances. And who do they think will remove them? Clear up after them? Risk the virus? Other unsung heroes - the street cleaners. And speaking of the street, today the lamp post didn't spook me at all. It was as if writing about it has cured me.

Sometimes I write this blog in one go towards the end of the day. Sometimes I write it in dribs and drabs throughout the day depending on what occurs to me and what else I might be doing. I started early this morning and as I wrote I wondered if I'd have anything meaningful to add by the time of posting which I tend to do between half four and five.

I do. First, I had a phone call from my cousin in Yorkshire checking up and catching up. She's my Mum's niece. Her dad died when she was barely out of her teens. Her ex husband abducted her daughter and took the child across the US to evade 'capture' and her second husband was an alcoholic. So she's been through the mill once or twice. Now she has macular degeneration and has monthly injections in her eyes. But she never wastes time moaning and groaning. She's always, on the surface anyway, positive and upbeat. She puts me to shame. She's resourceful and proactive. She was always really good to my Mum. No matter how busy her schedule was if she was in this area visiting her own mum she always made time to see my Mum and I love her for that.

After that call I decided to pick myself up by the scruff of the neck and have something to show for the day - I began the ironing. Halfway through I had a message from my friend saying 'Hi, there's a little something for you by your front doorstep.' That was exciting as I hadn't heard a thing! When I looked there was a bag containing some Cadbury's Creme Eggs and some Cadbury's chocolate eggs! For a moment I thought I was hallucinating!! Then I realised I was salivating! Then I started masticating. (I hope none of you are dyslexic 😉). Oh, that sweet, milky, chocolateness!  If there is anything guaranteed to lift my spirits, it's chocolate. I once asked my GP if I could have chocolate on prescription. The request didn't go down well. But oh my goodness these eggs went down well. I've one left! For tomorrow. I'm not completely without willpower, you know.

Here's a lesson to learn. A lady dropped off some shopping to a vulnerable person. She did that person's shopping alongside her own. She parked her car near their house to drop the shopping off. When she got back there was a note which had been pushed though a gap in the window saying 'I have recorded your registration number.... You have no business in this street. You have broken the quarantine regulation lockdown!' She was only a matter of minutes out of the car and this person was too cowardly to discuss the matter face to face. How judgmental! I'm willing to bet that the person who wrote that note has done nothing for anyone but themselves and their own this whole time. But, then, that's me being judgmental.

Apparently the lockdown is due for review on Thursday. I thought they'd done it last week! I told you politics wasn't my thing! The review is a legal requirement apparently. Ministers have to assess whether the measures are working based on expert advice. I'd be quite concerned if they decide to relax the lockdown. Wales and Scotland have both said the lockdown will remain for several more weeks at the very least.  I think a lot of people will believe that the lockdown being lifted is synonymous with the virus being contained. Of course it isn't. I worry it will be lifted too early here and we will end up with a second wave of the virus. I've already decided that whenever the lockdown is lifted I shall emerge from it slowly and cautiously. That may not go down well with everybody but......... 'tough titty fish face' would be my considered, intellectual and mature response.

However I may yet choose to become a recluse and lock myself down indefinitely........