Day Seventy-Two - Anxiety

I'm starting to get very anxious about the ending of lockdown. Because of things people have said to me. I'm sure it wasn't intentional but the tone was quite disdainful. Someone said to me, can't see how you're going to catch coronavirus, you don't go anywhere. As if it was a bad thing. As if it was another indication of my overall inadequacy. All I've been doing is following the lockdown protocols quite faithfully. Also when I offered to help out somebody who is going into hospital they said, but you don't go to the shops. Again it was that faintly disdainful disapproving tone of voice. Made me feel really bad. And alone.

I'm being honest here. For me there's been a lot of good things about lockdown. It's benefited me physically. I have eaten healthily. Because I'm not going out to eat I'm not tempted by the high fat, high sugar, high salt, high carb content of food. And I'm so weak willed sometimes I can't resist the deserts and delights on offer when I do eat out. And sometimes I've been ridiculed for making the healthy choices in a restaurant so it's easier to make the unhealthy ones! I've been able to curate my seating so no longer have I had to endure time on uncomfortable chairs that I know are hurting my back. I've not had to get in and out of cars that are too high, too low, too jolty, or sitting in car seats that constrict my spine and I can feel the harm it is doing me. There is a freedom  within a lockdown. I know that sounds like the most ridiculous paradox ever. But on days when I haven't felt good it's not mattered. I know I've not got to go anywhere. I haven't had to make the decision about whether I go or not. I don't have to to worry about letting anybody down. Or making up some kind of excuse because people don't wanna hear that I don't feel well. It's hard for people to understand where I'm at.

Some of that is because I'm not a talker,  I'm a listener. I'm happy to be. I don't know what it is but I've often been in the situation where people have said I've never told anyone this before......  So I'm not used to talking and folk aren't used to listening to me. But if I do try to talk it all comes out wrong. People don't want to listen. They want to talk, tell me what to do and then turn the conversation back to them again. That sounds mean, doesn't it? But people like to talk. They like to talk about themselves. Most of my life I've been a listener and it's never really mattered. I'm better with written words than spoken words. I suppose that's where this blog comes in because it's my opportunity to express my confused and conflicted feelings about this situation we're in. I wouldn't be doing this if it were for coronavirus and the lockdown.

The WHO are warning of a second peak rather than a second wave. What's the difference? Apparently we are in the middle of the first wave globally. I guess we have peaked once? And we are at risk of a second peak. All countries should remain alert. I intend to remain alert.

My sister said she was up and about early this morning and it fleetingly crossed her mind that she could probably be walking on my cliffs by the time I got there this morning!! That would have meant her driving down from London at about four in the morning! Ultimately she decided it was too soon to try anything like that. But, like me, she is wary of these socially distanced conversations outdoors that end up with people shouting at each other. However if social distancing is to become something of a permanent 'thing'  we both may have to swallow our inhibitions and shout like the rest of 'em!

I did some hoovering ad some gardening today. But I did pace myself so I'm not hurting too much. I'm in a quandary abut getting in touch with my gardener. It's too soon, I think given his tendencies for the toilet etc. I'm coping with the garden, not managing exactly but coping and that's an improvement on the last couple of years. So it's another good thing to come out of this.

The Dominic Cummings row continues with one MP resigning and others calling for Cummings' resignation. But he remains unrepentant. Why are people surprised? Politicians are the slimiest, evasive and immoral entities in our world with a very few exceptions. The UK and the USA probably boast the worst.